fat face, downward spiral continues

Well, it's official. My face is fat. My weight gain has shown up on my face. I noticed it yesterday in the bathroom at work, the bathroom I normally don't visit (I usually use a bathroom closer to my desk). Different lighting, I don't know. All I know is I looked in the mirror and said, "Whoa! I'm fat! Crap." I sure hope I'm pregnant or something because this is ridiculous! They say you're only supposed to gain 5 pounds  in your first trimester. I'm actually very scared for myself the day I'm pregnant. I'm so scared I'll be the gal who gains 70 pounds. I'm so missing my Aderall!!! I'm in a downward spiral and don't know how to get out. God I'm depressing, but this is actually getting scary. Not life threatening scary, but fat scary. I feel like there's no hope. I don't want to get dressed in the morning or go to work.

Ate the brownines . . .

Well, the brownies won. I had defied them for the past two days, not succumbing to their temptation . . . until tonight. Ate 3/4 of them . . . what am I doing to my body . . . somebody stop me please!

Diet starts tomorrow . . .

How many times have I said this? I think I've started a diet 500+ times in my life! Why do I do this to myself? I have PCOS and the only way to control my hunger is to be on aderall. Unfortunately I can't be on aderall due to TTC. I am really nervous about how these next 10 months are going to go with out my 'thin drug'. I can balloon like no other when I eat! And I binge like no other too. I feel like without my aderall, I'm CONSTANTLY craving sugar, food, carbohydrates . . . which I 've heard is a symptom of PCOS. I'm also on Metformin, but that doesn't really help the cravings. The only good news is I walked today and yesterday, and I have my gym clothes packed for tomorrow after work. I'm hoping that by having my gym bag I won't have to come home first to change . . . which will deter me from staying home and eating. If I go right to the gym from work, no ability to eat . . . just workout. 

We'll see how tomorrow goes . . . it's always easier to say, "I'll start tomorrow." Here goes nothing!

Pants don't fit

Well, this is just great. I had to result to wearing sweatpants today because my jeans are too tight . . . the jeans I consider my 'fat pants'. I'm depressed. I have PCOS and I constantly battle between binge eating, then a round of depression, then starvation diet. I don't know why I do this to myself and I don't know how to really get out of it. Normally and in the past, I would begin to exercise like crazy and that would eventually pull me out of it. The unfortunate thing is right now I'm unable to workout due to an basal cell carcinoma just being removed on my stomach and if I workout and stretch the internal stitches, then I have a scar that could be mistaken for a c-section scar, and I don't have kids! I'm even refusing to go to dinner with my husband tonight to celebrate the first time he told me he loves because I don't want the temptation of food. (I forgot to mention the binge of donuts I went on this morning due to being in a class all day).

So . . .  I"m going to drag my butt up to our gym and do an hour of walking on the treadmill and continue my night of not eating. Wish me luck!